“Something must be built in its place”

A mother, after a divorce, put it this way, declining to label it on the dichotomy of good/bad, she said, “It is a recognition that what existed is irretrievably broken and that something else must be built in its place.” She had to children and after a short marriage, she and her husband realized their relationship was “irretrievably broken.”

And while that was something that was sad, it also was something that just “was.” Towards the end, she had felt constant anger toward her spouse. She notes that after her divorce, after that anger had subsided, she was able to concentrate on being “here and now” with her children.

She recognized that she could not “save” her marriage, whatever that means, but going forward, she could focus on the one thing that would demand her full-time attention for the next decade or so; raising her children.

Out of the disappointment and anger of her marriage, she was able to grasp what may be one of the most difficult aspects of a divorce with children. That her goal was now “to raise smart, thoughtful, decent kids by extending support and encouragement — to each other.”

That last clause is the oh-so-very-hard part. It is not just the children who benefit from this, it is you. Divorced parents who can work together not only make it better for their children but better for themselves.

Your attorney is there to handle the legal elements of your divorce, the property settlement, the child custody agreement and all the rest of the technical legal details that go into your divorce. But you and your spouse have to do the genuine heavy lifting. It is possible, and the real victory in doing it right is that both you and your children will benefit.

Source: nytimes.com, “From Divorce, a Fractured Beauty,” Lara Bazelon, September 24, 2015